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AtomicKnit
Chatty Knitter
USA
120 Posts |
 Posted - 12/04/2002 : 1:07:47 PM
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What do you do when a family member drops huge hints for being given a knitted item and you don't want them to have it? My mom, who has been neutral (and even discouraging) of my knitting since I picked it up in earnest a few years ago, visited recently and actually saw some of the things I've made. She oohed and aaahed over the extravagant Dune (mohair) scarf I made myself, and said she really wanted one. Mind you, she lives in South Carolina (hot), she always responded to news of my knitting with "shouldn't you be doing something else?" while I was raising an infant and attending college full-time (knitting kept me grounded and sane), she has never worn the Wool-Pak hat she requested I make for her, and the scarf costs about $75--not to mention it took me months to finish. Basically--I've decided she ain't gettin' one.
I have a really hard time with the knitted gifts I make ending up not being used. It's ironic: it took me a long time to get almost comfortable with the idea that they will be used (and dirtied and pilled and worn out)! I guess I have this fantasy that a knitted gift from me will be reverently worn, carefully washed, and treasured. Am I just too full of myself? Or am I a True Knitter? 
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Emaruottolo
Gabber Extraordinaire
USA
472 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2002 : 1:22:39 PM
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You are not too full of yourself. I have the opposite situation, I would love to only knit for my toddler son and my mother. They both show such pride whenever they have something I made on. Perhaps if you explain to your mom that she made you feel badly in the past, she can rectify the situation. Whatever you decide to do, do it with the best intentions.
Regards,
Elisa
"Happiness is not the destination, but the road traveled." |
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lemons
Permanent Resident
1692 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2002 : 1:24:49 PM
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Just a guess, but does maybe this have more to do with your mom than it does with the scarf? I had a ma who was, until very late in her life, not very respectful of my abilities and my struggles to better my life, and this sort of sounds like her. Also, moms have this unique ability to push our buttons (that's because THEY installed the buttons) and make us feel guilty - or unsure of ourselves - or selfish.
Don't feel guilty. You've done a lot to be proud of, and knitting comes in 3rd after baby and college, and if you don't want to you don't have to make her one, or give her that one. What does she want to do with it? If - maybe next year - you're convinced she's (finally?) going to use it to brag about you to her friends...maybe then.
I raised 2 kids, went to school and worked full time - been there, done that, and I'm on your side, Kim.
Consider yourself hugged -
lemons of missouri
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conniec
Chatty Knitter
220 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2002 : 1:24:55 PM
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hi kim --
i am also a relatively new knitter and i know what you mean!
my mother is a very small woman (5 feet and 85 pounds) and i've knitted her a vest and a short sleeved cardigan, but she says that both are too big for her (that don't seem too big to me) and refuses to wear either. it really hurts me because i spent *so* much time knitting those things for her -- epsecially the cardigan. she's very picky in general so i'm actually not too surprised that she reacted in that way. i knitted a vest for myself and she really likes it and wants me to knit her one as well. i'm debating whether i want to go through the trouble again only to have her not like it...
so i totally know how you feel, kim...
-connie
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Ditzy Girl
Permanent Resident
USA
4711 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2002 : 1:25:10 PM
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Hi, Just knit her up a couple of dish clothes and a matching kitchen towel. The yarn is inexpensive, but its a great gift and or you might suggest that she take up knitting herself.
Zola |
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fmarrs
Guardian angel
USA
9776 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2002 : 1:46:43 PM
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Just another thought, I felt the same about my mother, she never really appreciated the gifts I made for her. I couldn't understand it because she made a lot of gifts herself and should have understood, I thought. Then one day while visiting her, I noticed a lot of tissue paper in one of her drawers and asked about it. She told me it was her "special gifts" that she did not dare wear. Curious, I opened it and found all the "treasures" I had made for her. It took a lot of talking and only when I promised that I would replace any that wore out, did she take them out and use them.
fran
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PattiG
Permanent Resident
1119 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2002 : 3:37:47 PM
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| Is there anything more complex and fragile than a grown woman's relationship with her mother? |
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Atavistic
Permanent Resident
6604 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2002 : 4:01:28 PM
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quote:
Is there anything more complex and fragile than a grown woman's relationship with her mother?
Man, these stories make me so glad that I have MY mom. She's supportive to the n-th degree. When I told her I was gay--supportive. When I decided to drop my chemistry (read: money making) degree for a philosophy (money, what's that?) degree--supportive. When I decided to travel solo to Sweden for a few weeks--supportive. Actually, now that I think about it, my dad and stepdad have been, too.
I could make her one of those painted macaroni necklaces that my students make for their parents and she'd wear it....
Actually, she's getting a really great dictionary (for her writing) and a travel paint kit for the holidays. My dad's getting a knit bath mitten and some handmade soap and a book about the history of numbers. I'd love to knit him a hemp-cotton blend sweater but he lives in AZ.
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mokey
Permanent Resident
15375 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2002 : 4:19:21 PM
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Kim, perhaps you could take your mother to the LYS with you. That way she picks out the yarn, pattern, and can pay for the supplies! Before going you should agree on how much money you and/or her can spend on the item. This is what I have done whenever someone requests a knitted item. I am currently making socks for Christmas gifts, because I know the people I make them for will like them. They are also financially cheap, and I love knitting so the time isn't a big issue. I can also finish 2 pairs per week, so they work up fast. I made my mother a shawl and a sweater and she appreciates them.
"There is no beauty in the finest cloth if it makes hunger and unhappiness." Gandhi |
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carols
Permanent Resident
USA
1681 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2002 : 4:48:25 PM
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Oh Kim! You are definitely a True Knitter!!! I don't think it's at all unreasonable to expect someone to treat a handknit item, given with affection and created with precious time, reverently. (Unless it's a catnip mousie, in which case feline rough stuff is the point!) This is a toughie. Which will be less painful: not doing it (ignoring future hints, maybe making up some excuses, feeling guilty) or doing it only to feel rebuffed and taken advantage of? Probably the former, since you seem to treasure your knitting, as I do. One of my greatest moments as a gift-giver came when a friend oohed and aahed over a baby sweater I made for her, then said tearfully it was destined to become a family heirloom and was going to be put in her trunk with her baby's first shoes, etc. so that her grandchildren could wear it someday. THAT'S how knitted gifts should be received!
Whatever you decide, we support you & send our warmest wishes,
Carol
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chris
Permanent Resident
USA
2449 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2002 : 5:03:07 PM
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Kim, my sympathies! My mom and yours are cut from the same mold. I once made my sister a trinket box...a beautiful purple box with violets (my sis' favorite flower) painted on it. Since Sis lives in Atlanta and was visiting at Mom's, I brought the box there to give to her. Mom saw it and told me I wasn't giving it to my sis, I was giving it to her! That frigging box has sat in the same place she put it after confiscating it that day for FIVE YEARS. This isn't some place of honor, mind you, it's part of a jumbled mess that holds mostly junk mail and old magazines. It has a layer of dust on it and is never even moved. Pah! After that, I gave home made gifts to the recipient without mom around. I know she wouldn't appreciate anything I knit for her, but I am knitting her a shawl for Christmas. Glutton for punishment I guess!
Now, to get on to your problem and off my own , if I were you, I'd make her a similar scarf out of less expensive yarn. Or do as Mokey said and have her pick out a yarn that's either less expensive or pay for the mohair. Whatever you decide, good luck!
biodb8er, you've got a great mom!! But as to your dad and the sweater, I also live in AZ. There's a good possibility your dad could use that sweater, especially out of cotton and hemp! Yes, it's 66 degrees here right now (5 PM), but I'm wearing a rather heavy sweater today! After spending a summer here with three months of temps in the triple digits, 60 seems very cold!! Also, if your dad is on in years, he may tend to be a bit colder...I know cold affects me more as I get older (though lately I've got my own private summer going on to keep me warm!  ). Check with him! If he's a year-rounder, not a snow bird, he may welcome the sweater!!
many hugs to you both,
chris (going home to eat SOUP and knit!)
Keep on knittin', mama, knittin' those blues away! |
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AtomicKnit
Chatty Knitter
USA
120 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2002 : 5:35:04 PM
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I think I'll compromise and knit mom a wonderful (and South Carolina useful) cotton shell . . . just in time for Christmas 2003. Meanwhile, I think every knitted-gift recipient should also receive a copy of this Pablo Neruda poem:
Oda a los calcetines, S. Mitchell, trans.
"Ode to My Socks"
Maru Mori brought me
a pair
of socks
which she knitted with her own
sheepherder hands,
two socks as soft
as rabbits.
I slipped my feet
into them
as if they were
two
cases
knitted
with threads of
twilight
and the pelt of sheep.
Outrageous socks,
my feet became
two fish
made of wool,
two long sharks
of ultramarine blue
crossed
by one golden hair,
two gigantic blackbirds,
two cannons:
my feet were honored in this way
by
these
heavenly
socks.
They were
so beautiful
that for the first time
my feet seemed to me
unacceptable
like two decrepit
firemen, firemen
unworthy
of that embroidered
fire,
of those luminous
socks.
Nevertheless,
I resisted
the sharp temptation
to save them
as schoolboys
keep
fireflies,
as scholars
collect
sacred documents,
I resisted
the wild impulse
to put them
in a golden
cage
and each day give them
birdseed
and chunks of pink melon.
Like explorers
in the jungle
who hand over the rare
green deer
to the roasting spit
and eat it
with remorse,
I stretched out
my feet
and pulled on
the
magnificent
socks
and
then my shoes.
And the moral of my ode
is this:
beauty is twice
beauty
and what is good is doubly
good
when it's a matter of two
woolen socks
in winter.
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Atavistic
Permanent Resident
6604 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2002 : 6:36:50 PM
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quote:
Also, if your dad is on in years, he may tend to be a bit colder...I know cold affects me more as I get older (though lately I've got my own private summer going on to keep me warm! ). Check with him! If he's a year-rounder, not a snow bird, he may welcome the sweater!!
He's a year rounder--but he's not even 45, so I don't think of him as getting on in his years. :)
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janeknits
Warming Up
98 Posts |
Posted - 12/05/2002 : 07:51:01 AM
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Kim, thank you SO much for making that beautiful poem available to us. That one's going to get nicely printed and framed and hung on the wall over my knitting chair!
Jane
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chris
Permanent Resident
USA
2449 Posts |
Posted - 12/05/2002 : 08:29:22 AM
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Good grief!! You're right about that! I have a tendency to think everyone is as old as I am and everyone's parents are as old as mine are (were)! He's just a youngster...sigh! But he may like the sweater anyway...I know I would! 
hugs,
hrissc (incognito today)
quote:
quote:
Also, if your dad is on in years, he may tend to be a bit colder...I know cold affects me more as I get older (though lately I've got my own private summer going on to keep me warm! ). Check with him! If he's a year-rounder, not a snow bird, he may welcome the sweater!!
He's a year rounder--but he's not even 45, so I don't think of him as getting on in his years.
Keep on knittin', mama, knittin' those blues away! |
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chris
Permanent Resident
USA
2449 Posts |
Posted - 12/05/2002 : 08:32:05 AM
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Kim, I love Neruda's poetry...but I've never run across that one before. Thank you so much for posting it. I agree wholeheartedly with you about every knitted gift recipient getting a copy of it! And with Jane about keeping it close to my knitting place. I printed it out and am going to look for it in its original Spanish.
chris (cognito again)
Keep on knittin', mama, knittin' those blues away! |
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BLN3320
Permanent Resident
USA
3808 Posts |
Posted - 12/05/2002 : 10:43:30 AM
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Hi, Kim: It sounds to me as though you handle your time very well. Raising an infant is a full time job not to mention the fact that you were (are) also attending college full-time. You are right--knitting is what kept you grounded and sane. You know the old saying, "If you need a job done and done right as well as on time, find a busy person." I would say that you fit that perfectly. Also, perhaps you and your mom can get together on that. I had an aunt who would say things to me about my knitting when she hadn't seen it but that didn't stop me from knitting something for her. Trust me when I tell you it will all work out. Family members and be brutally honest or at least they think they are even when they haven't a clue about which they speak. Beverley
"Be kind to your neighbor he knows where you live!"
Bev |
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OKnitter
Gabber Extraordinaire
USA
398 Posts |
Posted - 12/05/2002 : 11:30:57 AM
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The wonderful Neruda poem can be found in a book called, Odes To Common Things, ISBN# 0821220802, published by Little, Brown & Company.
Ana
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Luann
Permanent Resident
USA
2610 Posts |
Posted - 12/05/2002 : 1:15:39 PM
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Thank you so much for the Neruda poem! That's just what every knitter who ever made a gift for someone wants to hear. Of course, poets also know the pain of giving unappreciated gifts, I'd imagine...
I am very lucky in that my mom is very supportive of every thing I do. She was just visiting for Thanksgiving and I gave her a pair of socks - she was thrilled. I made her a sweater a while ago that she wears all the time (and proudly annouces to anyone who comments on it "My daughter made it for me.)
My other family members are not so grateful - I made my brother a merino scarf a few years ago, and he assumed it was store bought. I said no, I made it (not saying that I was actually desperately knitting up through Xmas eve) and he said "oh, really." As far as I know he has never worn it. My mother, after trying on her own socks last week, said how much Bro would love a pair because his feet are always cold. I said I didn't want to go to the trouble because he wouldn't appreciate it, and she said "oh, I'm sure he would." Well, she's got to tell herself that because he's that way about everything. I don't, and will be waiting a bit to add him to my list of those who get hand made socks. Petty, I suppose, but I feel like I give part of myself away when I give a handmade gift, and I like to know that it isn't going to be received lightly.
Luann
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mbmoody
Gabber Extraordinaire
583 Posts |
Posted - 12/05/2002 : 1:27:21 PM
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There are people who want to be the recipient of the nicest present under the tree, even if it's not something they want.
My experience is that less expensive, quick to knit projects are less emotionally laden than items you spend a lot of time and money on. There are a lot of things you can do with your time besides knit a present that may or may not be appreciated. The longer I spend knitting something, the more of myself seems to have gone into it. I'd rather not make that investment for someone who only wants to be one up on everyone else.
Remember, a gift is an act of generosity. Miss Manners says it's rude to ever express an expectation of receiving a gift. You are under no obligation to respond to someone's requests for presents if that person inspires only ungenerous thoughts. If time is your most precious commodity, don't waste it on someone who would be just as happy with a gift certificate to amazon.com. Conversely, if someone is warm and supportive and you want to show your appreciation, then you would probably want to fulfill their expressed wishes.
Mary |
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Atavistic
Permanent Resident
6604 Posts |
Posted - 12/05/2002 : 6:59:09 PM
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quote:
Conversely, if someone is warm and supportive and you want to show your appreciation, then you would probably want to fulfill their expressed wishes.
Amen! I've got friends in my grad program who ask/demand knitted things from me. Yeah, right! I've got a very close friend in the program that I knit a hat for and everyone else aks why they can't get one. I just smile I give my best hippie-girl-get-off-my-back-you-annoying-thing look. She knew I was knitting the hat, and she was so inspired that I'm teaching her to knit now.
I've got another friend that I'm knitting a hat for, but he doesn't know it.
The rest of them, as much as I like them, are getting nothing. I will never knit someone for someone who whines and demands it.
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