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pkee
Chatty Knitter

222 Posts

Posted - 12/07/2004 :  5:42:53 PM  Show Profile Send pkee a Private Message
I'd have to say spend the time, if you would enjoy it.

Is DH really expressing his feelings or mirroring your unexpressed thoughts? My knitting is such an expression of myself that I am galled for someone who doesn't respect to have a piece of my talent. I try to suppress the emotion but it doesn't always work.

Pam
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amaknda
Chatty Knitter

159 Posts

Posted - 12/07/2004 :  5:49:57 PM  Show Profile Send amaknda a Private Message
I had a similar problem once. My solution was to knit hats for the homeless until the desire to knit for ole Mean N. Nasty passed. It took a dozen hats.

But then I am one of those people that will gift charitable donations certificates to uncle Greedy Gus just to watch him scowl in disappointment.

Good times.
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indigomuse@verizon.net
Gabber Extraordinaire

USA
468 Posts

Posted - 12/07/2004 :  8:35:58 PM  Show Profile  Visit indigomuse@verizon.net's Homepage Send indigomuse@verizon.net a Private Message
It is entirely up to you how you handle the situation. If it will do YOUR heart good and could perhaps mend fences, then do it. DH begged me to make a scarf for his mom last year for Christmas. I didn't want to because there's a great deal of baggage between us (she didn't acknowledge my existence until about seven years ago - we've been together for 20 years, didn't come to our wedding, etc.) but I did anyway. I think deep down inside I thought that the gift might mend fences. It was a last minute scarf that I had to knit in one night. I stayed up late and got up early the next morning to finish it. He gave it to her and while he says that she liked it (I wasn't there to witness the giving), she has yet (one year later) to say anything to me about it. I saw her later that same day and she didn't even say thank you :( Not only was it an expensive novelty yarn but it was a handmade gift that I usually reserve for very special people in my life. Needless to say, she found yet another way to hurt me. I will not be making her anything else in the near future. So I caution you with my tale that if you might be hurt by something that they say or do with regard to your special gift, then I'd suggest that you not knit for them. Just my $.02.

IM

Musing about my knitting at http://indigomuse.blogspot.com/
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luv2knit944
Permanent Resident

USA
1789 Posts

Posted - 12/08/2004 :  02:32:39 AM  Show Profile Send luv2knit944 a Private Message
I would say,do what's in your heart.Be persistent in showing love to your enemies.It works.
Have a talk with your husband,t let him know that it's not you,but them that aren't showing love.I think it's awfully sweet of you to have it in your heart to knit mittens & hats for them.I would knit with good yarn ,not acrylic.

I've knitted many year for a few people (which I'm not going to say).I've use the best yarn,always.Because I love them,not because they love me.The last thing I've knitted,I've gotten a thank you after 19 years.And she mentioned thank you for being persistent in showing love.
You don't really know what is gong on with them in their life.I would leave that to -----.And go on loving them.You will get blessed for it.
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Molly C
Seriously Hooked

USA
884 Posts

Posted - 12/08/2004 :  06:55:52 AM  Show Profile  Visit Molly C's Homepage Send Molly C a Private Message
Pauline, that is just the sweetest comment. It nearly made me cry! I decided this morning to go ahead with the project and order the yarn that I want; hoping that it comes soon (it only has to come 90 miles - how long can it take!).

One of the biggest reasons that I wan't going to do this is that I wasn't sure I wanted to give them separate gifts; they always give DH and I basket type of gifts, but I've decided to make them a winter's basket with some mugs, hot chocolate, coffee, and the hat and mitten sets. That way it's still really a join gift, but it will sort of be a his and hers, and DH won't have to worry about giving anything specifically for SIL.

Thanks for all your comments. They've really helped me, but there is somthing in my heart that is telling me to do this.

Molly
http://knittingmolly.blogspot.com

Have a blog? Join the KR Webring and share your blog with the rest of the group! Click here.
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indigomuse@verizon.net
Gabber Extraordinaire

USA
468 Posts

Posted - 12/08/2004 :  08:23:44 AM  Show Profile  Visit indigomuse@verizon.net's Homepage Send indigomuse@verizon.net a Private Message
When in doubt, I strongly believe in following your heart - it sounds like you have a really big, caring one :) Happy holidays!

IM

Musing about my knitting at http://indigomuse.blogspot.com/
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luv2knit944
Permanent Resident

USA
1789 Posts

Posted - 12/08/2004 :  09:38:39 AM  Show Profile Send luv2knit944 a Private Message
You are the sweet one.Go for it, and don't worry about the results from them.It's better to give then to get.
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needleknit
Chatty Knitter

USA
134 Posts

Posted - 12/08/2004 :  7:20:16 PM  Show Profile Send needleknit a Private Message
{I've knit for an estranged friend before, and found it did more to heal me than the relationship. I don't know really what she thought about the gift, or if she used it. That really didn't matter to me. What was important was that I had taken a step to work past my own negative emotions.}

Molly-my initial answer before reading your full story was "no way". However, mid-way through I thought maybe the question should be how you would feel if you did it. the above statement hits the nail on the head. Maybe your brother and SIL are hoping for a reconciliation and your handknits would be a loving reminder of what you are all about. Good luck~Kate
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lauraks555
New Pal

42 Posts

Posted - 12/09/2004 :  10:07:44 AM  Show Profile  Visit lauraks555's Homepage Send lauraks555 a Private Message
Molly, I agree with Sanity on this. I made a hat and scarf for my SIL and have no idea if she liked it or not. Then again, I'd made hats for a couple of my younger (under 10 yrs old) cousins, and heard nothing, not even a "We got them in the mail just fine."

The main thing is I had fun knitting them. If they don't like it, they can give the items to charity. As long as someone gets use out of whatever I knit, I'm happy.
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Denise
Warming Up

70 Posts

Posted - 12/09/2004 :  11:00:02 AM  Show Profile  Visit Denise's Homepage Send Denise a Private Message
This topic really hits home with me. I have a very similiar situation, only add children to the mix. I had knitted my niece (also goddaughter) a poncho, gave it to her when I saw her at my FIL's house. A few days later a big envelope arrived in the mail, I saw a little bit of yarn poking out. I thought it was something from my secret pal. I sat down all excited only to discover the poncho I had given to my 4 yo niece. My daughter (11 yo) was right there and she was appalled.

DH meet up with his brother to find out what in the heck was going on. Well, they think I did something I didn't do and will not even consider anythingelse. Many words were exchanged, ugly things said and my DH was told that the poncho was sent back as a message and to hurt my feelings.

I pondered what to do for Christmas and decided that I am still going to get my nieces presents AND now I think I will knit them something too! And we will send flowers when my SIL has her surgery! Because no matter what they think - they're family and we care about them.
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Lis S
Chatty Knitter

219 Posts

Posted - 12/09/2004 :  11:00:23 AM  Show Profile  Visit Lis S's Homepage  Send Lis S a Yahoo! Message Send Lis S a Private Message
I know first hand what a good heart you have! I think you followed your heart in your decision to make a gift for B/SIL (I won't mention names because I assume I'm not supposed to do so.) Your knitting is an extension of you, and offering of yourself for your brother is kind and loving of you. It sounds like he's coming around, and maybe she will, too. There are obviously issues there that have nothing whatsoever to do with you or DH personally. You just happened to be the ones who had to deal with the issues! You are being the bigger and kinder person, and your actions have set an example for everyone who reads your post.

A
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truncali@warwick.net


Posts

Posted - 12/09/2004 :  11:15:24 AM  Show Profile Send truncali@warwick.net a Private Message
Hi,I have had strained relationships with in-laws over the past 35 years. I too would question if I should knit for those I was not on good terms.
My suggestion is get the gift certificate and save the time that you would knit those items to do something nice for you. Once you get the gc you can get this whole situation off your mind and get on to other more important things. If they don't like it well that is unfortunate, but you did your part in giving them a gift, plus they can get what they want, and all is said and done.
Janet
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Cameellie
Honorary Angel

USA
900 Posts

Posted - 12/09/2004 :  11:22:27 AM  Show Profile  Visit Cameellie's Homepage Send Cameellie a Private Message
quote:
But then I am one of those people that will gift charitable donations certificates to uncle Greedy Gus just to watch him scowl in disappointment.


What a fabulous idea! I like your style.

Cameellie
Remember, everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
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careynev
Chatty Knitter

USA
307 Posts

Posted - 12/09/2004 :  11:37:40 AM  Show Profile Send careynev a Private Message
I'm so glad you chose to make the gifts--it sounded from the get-go that you really wanted to.

I have a self-centered controlling step-mother-in-law who is always on my case about knitting things for her, even though I don't knit for the rest of the family (too difficult to find something they need...not because I don't like them). I finally made a quick, easy felted purse for her and told her she was the ONLY member of the family receiving a hand-knit item. Well! That was the right thing to do--she hasn't asked me for anything since AND she has bragged about the compliments she's gotten. So for a short while I was the Golden Child in her eyes. Of course, these things don't last forever, but it did help make me more comfortable around her for a while.

Good luck with your Christmas family visit...I hope you can at least patch things up with your brother so he can be a part of your life again.


Judy, the Nerdy Knitter
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mokey
Permanent Resident

15375 Posts

Posted - 12/09/2004 :  11:42:41 AM  Show Profile Send mokey a Private Message
Denise, could it be the poncho was sent back because it was the wrong size or colour?

"There is no beauty in the finest cloth if it makes hunger and unhappiness." Gandhi
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luv2knit944
Permanent Resident

USA
1789 Posts

Posted - 12/09/2004 :  12:00:11 PM  Show Profile Send luv2knit944 a Private Message
Denise I felt you pain ,when I was reading your message,and still am.
I might not relate to your situationby getting the gift back.But I've spent QUITE a bit of money sending QUITE a bit Of knitted stuff to sons-5 granchildren-1 great- grandchild for 19 years and don't know where the things are.No acknowledgement,no thank you,no nothing.Some tell me how foolish I am for continuing to do this.(Long Story),but I don't care what this earthly government does,they are my babies,and always will be on this earth anyways,'til I die.

I better get to the next step,because I'm getting upset.
Anyway,I've gotten my first thank you after 19 years a couple of months ago from my oldest grandaughter or sending a sweate and hat for MY GREAT GRANDSON.
Can you figure?
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evanmaxon
New Pal

USA
10 Posts

Posted - 12/09/2004 :  12:11:56 PM  Show Profile Send evanmaxon a Private Message
I'm with the folks who don't use knitting (or not knitting) for someone as a weapon. It sounds like you were really between a rock and a hard place. I do think your husband should let go of his desire to control your actions with regard to your brother and/or sister-in-law. It isn't disloyal to not take sides when things are as contorted and confusing as they seem to be here. It does require some finessing. AND it sounds like you've come up with a great way to do that.

I hope your wisdom helps you find some peace here. It is the season of miracles and I pray you will have one.
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Mokihana
Warming Up

USA
54 Posts

Posted - 12/09/2004 :  12:38:42 PM  Show Profile  Visit Mokihana's Homepage Send Mokihana a Private Message

What an interesting discussion; especially interesting to me because I have been the same kind of quandry about my mother. Everything that I have ever hand made for her (crocheted afghan, cross-stitch piece, beaded earrings, etc) has ended up in a drawer or back room someplace, and I vowed, never again!!!

However, I believe that God is telling me to knit her a really soft shawl for her birthday in March. It wasn't my idea... after all, hadn't I sworn off ever doing something like this again? But the idea persists, and so I bought some yarn to do it, knowing that in all likelihood it will end up unused.

While I am knitting it, I will be praying for her, thinking about her as she's getting older (85) and trying to understand our complex and often not so great relationship. So it will be as much for me as it is for her. Maybe I'm being asked to do it for reasons that I will never know.

I agree with the "follow your heart" suggestions; the main thing is, can you do it without expectations? If you get no thanks, will that be okay? Can you let go of that? Will it be enough to know that you knit the things, even if you never hear a word of gratitude or they're never worn?

That is what I'm having to do with my mom... the expectation is that the shawl will never see the light of day except when she opens it... maybe she'll like it just because there was time and thought put into it, but maybe not. And once a gift is given, then it belongs to the receiver to do with it whatever...

I hope your family adores the stuff you are knitting for them, and that you get a wonderfully pleasant surprise!





Aloha,

Mokihana
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kdhollinger@hotmail.com
New Pal

2 Posts

Posted - 12/09/2004 :  12:39:06 PM  Show Profile Send kdhollinger@hotmail.com a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by Soxy

Oh dear, isnt Christmas a time for peace? How about giving yourself, DH and the rest of the family the biggest Christmas present this year? By forgiving your SIL......no matter who was in the wrong.. Your parents will certainly love you more for it and you will have a wonderful peaceful 2005.....:-))
And go ahead knit if you can find the right yarn!

Hugs

Sock Addict



I Knit a sweater for my difficult SIL. it was a very good thing to do. Families are always hard during the holidays, but I think that sock addict is right. It's about love. Your darling husband must know how much he means to you. He should understand how much you'd like your brother back in your life. My advice is just hats..a smaller investment and you can do the mittens next year.
kathryn
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chrisknits
New Pal

USA
45 Posts

Posted - 12/09/2004 :  12:40:22 PM  Show Profile Send chrisknits a Private Message
I made a vow that I would work on having made one knit item for all the siblings, nieces, nephews (didn't really match this one), in-laws and parents. But I did it over the past year. In the future I will not entertain any more requests from them, but may endow them with a goody here or there. But after meeting this goal I feel my knitting should be what I want, for whom I want and when I want. No more family members trying to even up the score. The nephews may get hats in the future, but only if they want them. After having 2 BIL's not even thank me for the hat/slippers I do not feel inclined to knit for those who don't appreciate it.
As to those I do not want to knit for, I wouldn't!

Chris
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